I took a fabulous Mastermind Course recently about the book “Think and Grow Rich” by Napoleon Hill.  I recommend this book to everyone…AND I recommend you only read the book in conjunction with a Mastermind group (about 8 weekly 1 hour conference calls…).  My group was led by a talented and incredibly insightful woman named Melissa Malueg.  You can visit her website here and check out the a vailability of her next course schedule: http://xrcoaching.com/  I got so much out of this book thanks to Melissa and our small phone group sessions.  If you want to make some changes in 2010 – financial, personal, relationship, ANYTHING…this is a great and inexpensive place to start.

So I won’t go into great detail here about how or why.  But think about these two skills mentioned above as you consider the New Year’s Resolutions you might be obliged/tempted to make.  A Resolution has sort of become a joke we tell ourselves every Dec 31…a weak way of saying, “I wish my life would change.”  Instead of making Resolutions this year…concentrate on making a statement of your INTENTIONS.  What do you INTEND to MAKE happen this year no matter what?  The shift in focus from “wishing” to “taking personal responsibility for making it hapen” will be powerful.

1.  The REASON:  saying I’m sorry isn’t good enough…you need to be specific for it to make sense and be sincere.  “I’m sorry I (fill in the blank)” is really the only powerful, sincere, courageous and responsible phrasing for an apology.  It let’s the other person know you are BIG enough to take responsibility for YOUR PART. It also communicates that you care more about them than yourself.  A selfish person can never be sincerely sorry…you must put the other person before yourself.

2.  The DELIVERY:  saying “I’m sorry” should sound and feel like a love letter…not a memo…not an editorial…not a legal disclaimer. It should, if possible, be done while looking in the eyes…holding hands or a pat on the shoulder.  Saying “I’m sorry” in email or letter should be avoided at all costs.  The only reason for an email or letter apology is to  avoid the other person’s reaction.  It is trying to get by without accepting the natural consequences for your actions.  Unless there is bodily injury at stake…make apologies in person or at least over the phone.

3.  Being UNSELFISH:  When you say “I’m sorry I…”…resist with all your might to defend your actions with disclaimers, provisos, excuses and defenses.  This is NOT the time to do that.  Your reason for asking for forgiveness should be about healing the other person, not trying to deflect your own injuries.  You need to be patient and allow YOUR healing to come in time from the response and the reaction you get from the other person.  Don’t be so concerned with protecting our own ego during an apology…it cheapens the apology and creates more tension than you began with.

4.  The REACTION: you may get immediate absolution or it may take a while.  Either way, you need to be respectful f the time and the conditions of the forgiveness you are about to receive…consider your patience and thoughtfulness in this matter part of your natural consequence for whatever happened.   Saying “I’m Sorry” should mean that you have every active intention to change your behavior in the future to prevent this from occurring again.  You are taking responsibility for your own change.

5. The MYTH:  The myth is that one only needs to say “I’m Sorry” if they INTENDED you harm in the first place.  NOT SO.  An apology is appropriate and even required when you intended injury, when you did not intend injury, when the injury was a pure accident, when you tried your best to prevent injury and EVEN SOMETIMES when the injury is by someone or something other than you (as in “I am sorry for your loss…”).  Saying “I’m sorry” can be a way to express EMPATHY even if you are not directly responsible.

6. The OTHER MYTH: “It takes 2 to tango”.  OK, there may be 2 or more sides to every story…but you taking personal responsibility for saying I’m sorry should not have to be CONTINGENT upon the other person recognizing their part as well.  Maybe they will…maybe they won’t…in either case YOUR apology needs to be the most sincere, thoughtful, courageous, loving and attentive that YOU can make it.  Hopefully they reciprocate…if they don’t, it should have no affect on the sincerity of your own personal apology.

Mending fences takes time, patience, energy and commitment.  The biggest reasons people avoid it are

1. because they have a personality and habit of avoidance when it comes to  taking personal responsibility for the pain in their lives.

2. because they are not emotionally mature enough to understand that saying “I’m Sorry” is not just about admitting guilt.  Saying “I’m Sorry” is another way of saying “I love you.”  It actually stirs up the same chemicals in the brain as saying/hearing “I love you”.

My New Year’s wish for you is that you will always have the strength to show your vulnerability and your sincerity in all your relationships.

Back to the song…I love it despite some poor reviews because it makes me happy.  Neil Diamond is a Jewish guy singing about Christmas…he’s not ignoring Hanukkah…just recognizing another holiday that brings him some musical joy.  Sing it, Neil:

“In a world of make-believe I’m a believer,
and I believe in things not always understood,
but the things you feel make believing real.
That’s why Christmas feels so good, so good, so good.

When you imagine all the world as one great chorus,
you’re gonna learn that every voice has got a song.
Let’s raise a Christmas toast of red, red wine,
we’ll even sing Sweet Caroline while the whole world sings along. “

This time of year is sometimes difficult for some blended families…what do we celebrate…what do we believe…who do we visit…??  In our family we have created some new traditions: I was raised Catholic, my hubby Jewish, and we have a very Pagan belief that we bring into our home as we raise our children to respect and draw from nature and all traditions in our Unitarian Universalist Fellowship.  So we do Hanukkah with his side…Christmas with mine…and we help Santa with his Christmas Eve workload by allowing him to come to our house a little early on the Longest Night of the Year…Solstice Night.  We like to call our tradition Hanusticemas!  There is nothing more enriching than lighting the menorah while making Christmas cookies by the yule fire and singing our fav Christmas songs outside under a cold blue moon…and playing Snow Dragons!

Neil is playful with his greetings – cheery, cherry, holly, holy – and a little self-inspired with his refrences to some of his old standards (Sweet Caroline, Song Sung Blue…).  I LOVE that example for us…be playful with your seasonal greetings and self-inspired…here’s what I mean…

I feel bad for people who get all bent out of shape because they receive the “wrong” holiday greeting in December.   This is the season of Light!  Celebrating light in all forms – The Star of Bethlehem heralding Jesus as the Light of the World; the Hanukkah Menorah giving thanks for the Miracle of the Oil Lamp; the Winter Solstice celebrating the growing daylight rising after the deepest darkness, the longest night of the year – the Return of the Sun; Buddhist Bodhi Day remembering the moment the Buddha received enlightenment under the lotus tree…every tradition of the world, old and new celebrates light in some form or another this month. 

 This is not to say every culture can dissolve into every other…there is of course a special glittery glory to each holiday…but when you are greeted to a Happy Hunukkah while wearing your Santa Hat in the store…or a Merry Christmas while ordering your latkes at the deli…why not resist getting personally wounded (that was NOT their intention!) and choose instead to reflect the TRUE LIGHT of the season and say, “thank you, and to you too!” And really FEEL the blessing you have just received…it is a decision to be joyful!

I celebrate us…we ARE light, we are inspiration to everyone who sees us…it is up to us to shine with brilliant colors so everyone who meets us will feel blessed.  Indeed, then will there be true peace on earth and good will to everyone!  And I believe in YOU!  My 4 year old sings an old Christian tune while we light the menorah each night: “This little light of mine, I’m gonna let it shine!…Hide it under a bushel? NO! I’m gonna let it shine!” He doesn’t know yet that he’s really a genius

 With all Brilliant Blessings for You and Yours, may this truly be a season of generosity and joy.  Have a Cheery, Cherry Christmas and a Happy, Holly Holy-day too!  Falalalalalalalala!

I have a FABULOUS National Sales Director (NSD) in Mary Kay and I am fortunate to be able to learn these things from her…the most positive, most joyful and (be it of no surprise…) the most successful person I have ever known!  This particular lesson I am pleased to tell you I learned at our meeting last Tuesday night.  She is MASTERFUL at making others feel important and gifted. 

Giving praise and recognition is much more than simply verbalizing a compliment – “Nice job on that account last week, Holly.”  Holly is fortunate to have a boss who can say this to her. Most Holly’s in that situation will feel a warm fuzzy for a moment…maybe even for the day, and tell herself that since the boss approved of her work, she may now be able to ask for a day off…or a raise…or whatever. 

Giving true praise and recognition  is a skill that when done properly will INSPIRE Holly to do more, be more, achieve more…and even startle herself with her own ability to BE GREAT!  It is something that she will carry over outside the office and into her family life, her relationships, her dreams.  When true heart-felt recognition is received, it becomes less about the boss (or the hubby or the friend) noticing her, and more about an internal feeling of pride, energy and purpose.

Here’s how you do it:

1. Look in the person’s eyes, call her by name, touch her (yes…hand on the shoulder, hand-shake, whatever…it’s important!) and say specifically that you are EXCITED (not just appreciative…) about what she did and how it has affected you.  “Holly, I am so excited about how you calmed that client last week!  You have a cool head and a respectful way of speaking that makes everyone feel valued. ”

2. Then you show your appreciation with words and a token: “I know it was a challenging situation, and I appreciate that you handled it with such class…YOU have saved the account and are responsible for our company’s growing reputation of trust and committment in the industry.  Whenever you look at this I want you to remember this moment, and my gratitude …” It can be a card, a ribbon, a photocopied picture of cute puppies…whatever.  I have run into people who would balk at giving a small silly token when what the person really deserves is a raise you cannot grant…but…I think it is worse to not even give the little fun token.  It shows your time and attention…precious gifts.

3. Publicly acknowledge the good work: “Can we all just give a round of applause for Holly for helping all our jobs get a little easier today?”  Or in an email “can we all send Holly a little email pat on the back today?”  This informs others of the growing standards for behavior and achievement…it is not a competition…because each person will be treated this way at some point for something…it is communal support and teamwork.

Try it with your kids, with your spouse, your babysitter…FIND something to praise…find a small behavior you want them to enhance…make a big deal about it…be EMOTIONALLY connected to it…and be the one person that makes them feel valued today.  You will see the ripple effects that go deep into that person’s personal life and wide into the outer community. 

I am truly SO EXCITED that you have read this article on praise!  It shows your deep committment to making the world a better place. I believe you have the ability to accept that a little change in your own way of doing things can brighten the world.  Thank you for taking this step…can I please hear around of applause from the blogosphere for (YOUR NAME HERE) for shining his/her light today?

I will speak at another time about different ways to deal with Negative People.  But, there unfortunately comes a time when all your best positive efforts to save or grow a relationship does not yield the results desired.  I ran into such a situation last night with a relative of ours.  After 14 years of trying my best to treat her with respect, gratitude and warmth, my husband and I are now clear that her animosity toward me is unreasonable, persistent and actually toxic.  And she is now using my children as pawns to express this. We have had to make the terrible decision to sever this relationship.

Don’t get me wrong…I still believe people can change…but they can change when THEY DESIRE to do so.  You cannot change someone else if they are content to stay where they are.  So, my hope is that there are no toxic people in YOUR life, and that even if a relationship is tense or challenging it has some redeeming quality for both of you that keeps you both trying and learning and growing.  But…as hard as it is, we do need to be honest with ourselves when we realize that a particular relationship has become actually TOXIC…meaning, the person revels in disrespecting your core values and rights as a person.

I believe in the inherent worth and dignity of every person…even her…but she will have to discover that worth and dignity on her own now before we can be part of her life again.  It will take some courage to stick by our decision and keep her out of our sphere of influence…but it is so important.  Toxic people need to feel the natural consequences of being who they are…and staying next to them does nothing but reinforce their negativity.  We need to be vigilant in protecting and cultivating our own joy…sometimes that requires cutting away the fungus.

More joyful reflections soon…;)

It’s really fitting that this Blog is launching during Thanksgiving week.  You see…I have always thought that I was pretty darn good in the gratitude department.  Working as I have in my Social Work career with HIV positive foster children, homeless mentally ill veterans, immigrants, suicidal teens, drug addicts, abused women, cancer patients, gangs in Brooklyn…you get the picture…it’s pretty easy to list my own humble blessings on a day to day basis.  So I always took the time to send thank you cards, give beautiful gifts, phone a friend, tithe to my congregation, bless my food, and spend time with others.  It was easy to do…until I started falling on hard times myself.

When you see yourself as living in Abundance, it is easy to be thankful; when you see yourself as living in Lack…not so much.  But, I am here to tell you, that is EXACTLY the time you need your gratitude attitude the most, when you are struggling to make ends meet, when you lose your job, when you become disabled, when your kids are sick, when you are faced with forclosure…that is when you are challenged to be grateful.  I confess I lost that attitude for a while…and became confused as to why the Lack was growing.  Silly Girl…I know it now…it’s because I stopped Focusing on the Abundance!

Here’s a Universal Law for you: what you think about, you bring about.  It’s more than a simple cause and effect mantra.  It’s a real, palpable, tangible, law.  Like attracts like.  When you concentrate on what you love…more of what you love shows up in your life…when you concentrate on what you don’t love…you get more of that too.  It sounds etheral and New Agey to say it like this but there is proof in psychotherapy – Cognitive Behavioral Therapy teaches us that the only thing you have total control over are your thoughts…not your feelings not even your actions.  So changing the way you think will change your emotional state and the way you behave.  Changing your emotional state affects the way the world sees you and the way you interact with the world.

Who do you hang out with?  Are they positive people – encouraging, joyful, fearless and kind? Or are they downers - cynical, sarcastic, petty, always “too tired” and maybe even rude?  Here’s the tougher question – are they like you?  How do you feel when you are around truly positive people?  (Do you even know any?) Do you feel lighter? or do you feel stressed?  In psychotherapy, the traits I listed of the negative people are called Defenses.  They are walls put up to defend the person’s subconscious from being challenged.  In other words, they stagnate growth.  They discourage Abundance.  They promote Lack.  Negative people create a small world for themselves to survive in and repel Abundance from coming in.  Positive people create an ever expanding world to play in and invite Abundance to tea every day!

Here’s a comic statement for you…ready?  “I’m not negative…I’m just a realist!”  HA!!!!!!!!!!!  A realist is able to deal effectively, quickly and gracefully (meaning without drama) with the bumps in the road as the arise (and they will) with an Attitude of Gratitude.  A realist can do this because they know that the reality is that they are completely and utterly responsible  for what comes NEXT AND they know they have the power to change their situation.  It is the negative person, the pessimist, that deals with the same negative issues over and over and over again, using the same complaints, the same excuses and the same negativity…which includes shifting responsibility to something or someone else.  Do you know realists or pessimists?  We had a saying in psychotherapy – INSANITY is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.   If you want to CHANGE what you’ve got in your life…you need to CHANGE what you’ve got in your life…HOW?…

Back to Gratitude…this is the first essential step to living a more positive life attracting more positive people and inviting more Abundance into your life.   Gratitude is not just a feeling, it is a lifestyle choice.  It is purposeful and takes commitment and practice.  But it immediately lightens your spirit and brings joy.  The great thing is that when YOU express gratitude, it not only affects you, it affects those around you…and since like attracts like, guess what happens next! Life is good!

So I am on a mission to live in greater gratitude and become reacquainted with my old friend, Abundance.  I hear she has always been out there waiting for me to call.  I also hear she is bigger, more beautiful and more fun than ever!  All I need to do is shine my light of gratitude…she will see me as long as I do not hang out in the fog of self-doubt, guilt, pessimism, sarcasm, revenge and fear.  And she’ll say with a smile – “Hey, Denise!  I missed you!  Like my new shoes? Let’s go dancin’!”

Have a brilliantly blessed Thanksgiving!  And THANK YOU for taking the time to visit!