The end of the year is a perfect time to look at our relationships and take responsibility for mending what needs mending.  Creating a happier life and better relationships requires a little look at the way we say, expect, accept and reject apologies.  The words “I’m Sorry” can mean many, many things…which is why the intention and the tone are so much MORE important than just saying the words.  Here are tips for framing an apology…and remember…it is just as important to ask YOURSELF for forgiveness as it is to ask for another’s forgiveness.

1.  The REASON:  saying I’m sorry isn’t good enough…you need to be specific for it to make sense and be sincere.  “I’m sorry I (fill in the blank)” is really the only powerful, sincere, courageous and responsible phrasing for an apology.  It let’s the other person know you are BIG enough to take responsibility for YOUR PART. It also communicates that you care more about them than yourself.  A selfish person can never be sincerely sorry…you must put the other person before yourself.

2.  The DELIVERY:  saying “I’m sorry” should sound and feel like a love letter…not a memo…not an editorial…not a legal disclaimer. It should, if possible, be done while looking in the eyes…holding hands or a pat on the shoulder.  Saying “I’m sorry” in email or letter should be avoided at all costs.  The only reason for an email or letter apology is to  avoid the other person’s reaction.  It is trying to get by without accepting the natural consequences for your actions.  Unless there is bodily injury at stake…make apologies in person or at least over the phone.

3.  Being UNSELFISH:  When you say “I’m sorry I…”…resist with all your might to defend your actions with disclaimers, provisos, excuses and defenses.  This is NOT the time to do that.  Your reason for asking for forgiveness should be about healing the other person, not trying to deflect your own injuries.  You need to be patient and allow YOUR healing to come in time from the response and the reaction you get from the other person.  Don’t be so concerned with protecting our own ego during an apology…it cheapens the apology and creates more tension than you began with.

4.  The REACTION: you may get immediate absolution or it may take a while.  Either way, you need to be respectful f the time and the conditions of the forgiveness you are about to receive…consider your patience and thoughtfulness in this matter part of your natural consequence for whatever happened.   Saying “I’m Sorry” should mean that you have every active intention to change your behavior in the future to prevent this from occurring again.  You are taking responsibility for your own change.

5. The MYTH:  The myth is that one only needs to say “I’m Sorry” if they INTENDED you harm in the first place.  NOT SO.  An apology is appropriate and even required when you intended injury, when you did not intend injury, when the injury was a pure accident, when you tried your best to prevent injury and EVEN SOMETIMES when the injury is by someone or something other than you (as in “I am sorry for your loss…”).  Saying “I’m sorry” can be a way to express EMPATHY even if you are not directly responsible.

6. The OTHER MYTH: “It takes 2 to tango”.  OK, there may be 2 or more sides to every story…but you taking personal responsibility for saying I’m sorry should not have to be CONTINGENT upon the other person recognizing their part as well.  Maybe they will…maybe they won’t…in either case YOUR apology needs to be the most sincere, thoughtful, courageous, loving and attentive that YOU can make it.  Hopefully they reciprocate…if they don’t, it should have no affect on the sincerity of your own personal apology.

Mending fences takes time, patience, energy and commitment.  The biggest reasons people avoid it are

1. because they have a personality and habit of avoidance when it comes to  taking personal responsibility for the pain in their lives.

2. because they are not emotionally mature enough to understand that saying “I’m Sorry” is not just about admitting guilt.  Saying “I’m Sorry” is another way of saying “I love you.”  It actually stirs up the same chemicals in the brain as saying/hearing “I love you”.

My New Year’s wish for you is that you will always have the strength to show your vulnerability and your sincerity in all your relationships.